


Feeling It Anyway

by iihappydaysii



Series: WaveydaysFICS [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Allusions to MPREG, Crying Phil Lester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Sexual Language, discussions surrounding having a child, why is crying phil lester like a common tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 13:05:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13435317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Dan and Phil discuss the origin of Phil's fascination with male pregnancy.





	Feeling It Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> go read waveydnp's fic on the same topic!!

 

Dan had searched the house and couldn’t find Phil. He’d assumed he was editing on the computer, but when he walked down to ask him if he wanted a cup of tea, he’d found an empty desk chair where he had expected Phil to be. He left the computer on though, and open to his instagram. Well not his instagram, Louise’s. Her new baby picture to be exact.

Dan knew Phil had already seen the picture because he’d tweeted about it from his phone. So why had he pulled it up on this computer again? Even if it was a little strange, Dan didn’t think too much about it. He simply powered the computer down, then turned off the light.

“Phil,” he called out from the hallway. When there was no answer, Dan called out for him again.  “Dear, where are you?”

He waited and still heard no reply.

Dan wrinkled his brow as he continued down the hall. When he arrived near the end of the corridor, he pushed open the slightly cracked bedroom door. 

Phil was sat on the center of their bed, holding one of their grey pillows in his arms and up against his body. His cheeks glistened in the dim light as he pulled in stiff breaths. 

Dan’s chest tightened. “Phil, oh my God. What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

Phil startled and turned away. “Nothing. Shit. Nothing, Dan. I’m fine.”

“ _Phil._ ” 

He was obviously not fine. It was clear he’d been crying. About what, Dan had no idea.

“It’s silly.”

Dan walked around their bed and sat down beside Phil. “If it’s making you cry, it’s not silly.” 

Dan was more than a little concerned. Phil wasn’t normally a crier. Of course, Dan knew Phil felt things deeply, but he also knew that Phil usually kept his emotions a little further down, a little more neatly arranged. Whatever this was it had to be pretty serious.

“It really is, though, and I’m going to sound ungrateful and I hate that,” Phil said.

“Can you please just tell me what’s on your mind?” Dan placed a hand above Phil’s knee and squeezed. “I know I can be an ass sometimes, but I promise I won’t be right now whatever this is about.”

Phil looked over at Dan. His eyes were rimmed in dusky pink. “I want to have your baby, Dan.”

That was not at all what Dan expected to hear. Why would he be crying about that? They’d discussed this quite a bit over the last year. He thought they were on the same page. So why was Phil bringing it up now and with this tone? Was he worried that with everything new Dan was getting involved with that Dan had changed his mind? Wouldn’t have time for the family they wanted to start?

“We can have a baby. Soon. Once the tour is over, right? We’ll start looking into adoption.”

“Right.” Phil sighed and hung his head. 

Dan chewed his bottom lip, his pulse quickening. Maybe it was Phil who had changed his mind. 

“Why are you saying it like that?”

“Because. I want to have _your_ baby, Dan.”

It took a moment for the inflection to sink. For Dan realized what Phil meant and connect it to the slew of m-preg jokes and fic, to the pregnancy sites Dan had noticed in Phil’s internet history. And to that picture of Louise’s baby on the computer. 

“Oh…”

“I told you it was silly. I know I can’t.” Phil sniffled, then flattened out his voice. “You know that was one of the hardest things about accepting my sexuality. Knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to have a kid of my own.” He sighed. “Even that sounds bad. A biological child.” He sighed again. “You know what I mean.”

Dan did know what Phil meant and he also knew that Phil was sometimes interested in women too. He _could_ have had a biological child, if he’d have found a nice girl to marry instead of falling for a man. For Dan. A weird prickle of guilt burst in Dan’s chest, though he knew it wasn’t a healthy thought.

Dan squeezed Phil’s knee, hoping the touch would steady Phil. “I would never stop you from having a kid of your own, Phil. I know we’ve always talked about adoption, but there are other options, and I’m okay with looking into them.”

It scared him a little more than adoption did, but if it was what Phil wanted he wasn’t against it.

“You mean a surrogate?” Phil said.

“Yeah, mate.” Dan smiled. “I’d love to have a little Phil running around.”

That was a good thought. The Lesters had good healthy genes. Dan was a little hesitant to consider subjecting a child to his own faulty mechanics, but Phil was perfect. Even if Dan didn’t tell him often enough. 

“And then what?” he huffed. “Forever, there’s just this woman out there that’s technically my child’s mum. And the baby looks like me but it also just looks like this stranger.”

“She wouldn’t be technically the kid’s mum. We’d be the parents. Me and you. End of story, but it doesn’t have to be a stranger, Phil. It could be someone we know. A friend,” Dan said.

Phil’s shoulders slumped. “That’s even worse.”

Dan sighed. Once again, he knew what Phil meant. It would be strange for Phil to have a child with someone else even if he wasn’t _really_ having a child with someone else. It would definitely be something they both had to work on processing and Phil probably wasn’t in the place to rationally do that right now. Not after he’d just clearly been crying. 

“Phil, maybe we should talk about this later.”

“What? Talk about it when I’m being more rational?” Phil sounded a little harsh, a little cold. Then, he let out a breath. “God, Dan. I’m sorry. You’re probably right.”

“I _am_ sorry, you know?” He was. Even if the thought of passing on his own genes made him a little nervous, he understood why Phil felt how he did. He wished they could have a baby together too, without all the hoops to jump through. 

“It’s just not fair. I know we’re not the only people who have this problem, and I know we’re really lucky to have the means to adopt if we want or have a surrogate. And this is stupid and selfish because there are so many kids out there who need a good home, but I’m sad, Dan.” Phil looked over at Dan. “Am I even allowed to be sad?”

“That we can’t have a baby together?” 

It was actually harder to say aloud than Dan had expected. It was one of those realities you just _knew._ An ache you just sort of carried around without noticing. Not the kind of you laid out there and picked over. But once you did, it was hard not to keep picking at it. Not to keep feeling the sting.

“I just…you know…I look in the mirror and I see bits of my mum and bits of my dad and I wish… I know, intellectually that it doesn’t matter, that it _shouldn’t._ Adoption is a good thing, or surrogacy, and it doesn’t make someone less of a parent, but…”

“But you’re still sad?”

He nodded. “I’m _so_ sad, Dan, and I feel like I’m not allowed to feel that way, like I’m not allowed to even talk about it.”

Dan took Phil’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Phil…can I tell you something?”

“What?”

“I’m sad too. I’d give almost anything to see a little kid running around here with your sometimes-ginger hair and my wonky dimples.” He would. He really, really would. And, Phil was right. It wasn’t fair. But since when was life fair? They been extraordinarily lucky in so many ways. He guessed this was their bit of unfairness. 

Phil pressed his free hand just under his ribs. “That hurts to even think about.”

“I’m so sorry.” Dan brushed Phil’s fringe back a little. “But we _are_ allowed to be sad about it. When other couples find out they can’t have biological children together, they get to be sad, so I think we get to be sad too.”

He hoped they did because regardless of whether or not they were allowed to feel it, whether or not it was proper to feel it, Dan was feeling it anyway, Clearly, Phil was too. 

“Sometimes I just close my eyes and think about how it would feel to be able have _our_ baby inside me, to feel it move and know it’s yours. To know I’m having _your_ baby. I’m so weird. I know I make those jokes, and they usually are just jokes. But sometimes…I don’t know.”

“I don’t think it’s weird.” Dan looked at Phil, really took him in. “I’ve never really thought about it, but I get the appeal. I wish… I wish we lived in a universe where I could see you like that.” Dan lowered his voice. “You’d look so good.”

Phil scooted in a little closer, his voice a near whisper, “You think so?”

Dan rubbed his knuckles softy against Phil’s stomach and let out a breath. “God, yes.” He licked his lips,

“Dan,” Phil whispered against his ear. “Is that thought turning you on?”

He guessed it was. “Sorry. A little. Should it not?”

Phil took Dan’s han and pressed it so it was flat against his belly. “It’s okay.”

Dan shivered. “It’s just the thought of you carrying my baby might be activating some weird caveman part of my brain.”

Maybe he was just reaching for a distraction against the hurt…maybe not…maybe it didn’t matter.

“I want to.” Phil breathed against his neck. “If it worked that way, I’d let you do it right now.”

He wished he could. He wished he could pull the clothes off Phil’s body and press him into the mattress and give him what he wanted so badly. But he couldn’t, so maybe they could just have this anyway. The two of them, together. 

Dan smiled and playfully kissed at Phil’s lips, trying to shove down the hurt. “We have a tour to go on, you know.”

“Who says I can’t do the tour pregnant?” Phil leaned in and kissed Dan. Deep and warm, an open mouth for Dan press his tongue into. 

Dan slid hands into Phil’s hair as Phil threw his leg over Dan and sat on his lap. 

“Fuck me,” Phil said. “And don’t pull out.”

“Seriously? You hate the mess.” 

Phil was pretty vocal about it too. Dan always had to pull out and come in his hand or on a towel whenever he topped. 

“Not this time. Want to feel it. You’ll come in me, won’t you? I need you to come in me.”

“Yeah, baby. God, yes.” Dan tugged at Phil’s shirt, trying to get it up his body and over his shoulders, but he was distracted once he pushed it up right under his nipples. Dan growled and rolled over so Phil’s back was on the bed. He dipped down to kiss the pale skin on Phil’s stomach. 

Phil sunk his hand into Dan’s hair, and let out a little whimper as Dan kissed and licked him. His skin tasted like raspberry soap and the slight saltiness of sweat. He tasted like home, like a little bit of gravity. 

“Feels so good, Dan.”

“Mmm.”

“I can’t stop imagining it. What it would feel like to have your baby, to feel it kicking inside me… _you_ could feel it too, you know.”

“Yeah. I’d love that. Wish I could feel it.” Dan just kept kissing across Phll’s stomach, then reached for the button of his jeans. When he popped it open, Dan heard a little whimper that made him look up at Phil’s face.

Phil was wiping at a stray tear on his cheek.

Dan’s stomach dropped. “Phil?”

“I’m sorry, Dan…I thought.. I wanted to…I mean…I _was_ fine. It just hit me again when I thought about.” Phil sniffled back another.  “God, I’m sorry. I think we need to stop.”

Dan backed away. “Don’t. Don’t be sorry. _I’m_ sorry. I should have never started anything.”

“It’s okay. I wanted you to. I’m just…” Phil sniffed more, his breaths breaking. “I’m really, really sad right now.”

Dan sat back down on the bed and pulled Phil up. Phil buried his face in Dan’s neck. Dan could feel Phil shaking against him, feel trembling breaths against his neck. Could feel the subtle wetness of tears.

He squeezed his eyes shut and laid his hand flat on Phil’s back. He gently rubbed his hand back and forth, hoping to sooth him if just a little. “I know, Phil. I know.” 

“It fucking hurts,” Phil mumbled.

It always startled Dan to hear Phil say fuck. It took a lot to bring a curse like that out of him, especially as he’s gotten older.

“I know.” Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head and held onto him tighter. “I hate that I can’t make this better for you. It kills me. I’m sorry.”

“I know we’re still going to have a family…”

Dan smiled, though it ached on his cheeks. “The best family.”

“I just need to cry about this tonight.”

Dan pulled Phil in even tighter, fighting past the own ache in his chest. “Yeah, I know. I know.” 

 

 

 

 


End file.
